If She Can't Achieve the 'Big O'

If She Can't Achieve the 'Big O'
By Jenny Block
Published July 11, 2011
| FoxNews.com

The female orgasm is a curious thing. Unlike the male orgasm, she doesn’t always arrive when called. But if she never gets there, well, then you’re dealing with a whole new ball of wax. Anorgasmia, it’s called. It’s defined as the inability to have an orgasm.
The problem is that generally doesn’t mean the body is incapable of doing it. It just means it isn’t doing it.
Naturally, it’s much easier to address something when you at least know what that something is “not.” (Even if it’s tough to be 100 percent sure what it “is”). So, if one is suffering from anorgasmia, the first goal is to rule out anything serious.
Here are a few questions you and your doctor will want to discuss. Is this a lifelong problem? Is this a recent problem? Is this a sometimes problem or an always a problem? If only sometimes, then when? Are you no longer interested in your partner? Is your partner physically or mentally abusing you? Share as much info with your doctor as you can to be sure that you aren’t missing any serious medical issues.
If your doctor feels confident that you don’t need medical or psychological treatment, then it’s likely a matter of getting your head in the game. That’s not to say it’s not a problem. Not at all.
Sometimes, aligning ourselves with something mentally can be harder than any course of physical treatment. The good news is, this doesn’t have to be hard. In fact, if you’re game, it actually could be a lot of fun.
Here are seven ways to tackle anorgasmia (that doesn’t require professional care).
1. Let it go.
You know how they say that couples who adopt because they’ve given up on getting pregnant end up getting pregnant? Same principle applies here. Forget about it. There’s no time limit. No forced march. You can have sex and enjoy it without having orgasms. And you just might surprise yourself. Not worrying about it may be just the de-stresser you need to allow you to let go enough to have an orgasm.
2. Try not to.
If you feel one coming on, stop whatever you’re up to and keep it at bay. There’s something about trying not to do it that makes your body want to do it even more. Practice this exercise for a week and then give yourself permission to give in. If you still don’t have any luck, try the exercise for two weeks. You know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed…
3. Out with the old.
Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That adage certainly applies here. Whatever you’ve been doing isn’t working. So, stop and try something else for a change. Maybe missionary just isn’t your position. Maybe the guest room will inspire you. Or perhaps it’s time to add a little naughty talk to your repertoire. As long as it’s new, it’s worth a shot.
4. The body electric.
There’s nothing wrong with getting your buzz on. If the unplugged version is no longer hitting the right notes, it may simply be time to add a little vibration to the mix. It doesn’t have to be anything wild or dramatic or even obscene. A simple bullet will likely do the trick. Once you’re comfortable with that, you may want to graduate to something a little more talented. Either way, a couple AAs could be the answer to your quandary.
5. Change the tape.
If all you think about when it comes to sex is the fact that you can’t have an orgasm or that your partner can’t have an orgasm, you can pretty much bet on that fact that she won’t. This is a serious mind over matter kind of situation. So be kind and rewind that negative tape that runs through your head and replace it with a positive message instead. Anything from “I’m sexy and desirable” to “sex is fun and pleasurable for me” will do!

6. Share and share alike.
They call it a sexual partner for a reason. If you were playing doubles tennis with someone, you wouldn’t tolerate your partner just standing there. So why should sex be any different? Both you and your partner need to be willing to work together to make things work. If he just jumps in, takes care of his business, and it’s all over before you know it started, it’s no wonder you’re not having an orgasm. This also means sharing how you feel and talking about what works and what doesn’t. Even the best partner can’t be expected to be a mind reader.
7. Expand you definitions.
If your definition of good sex has always been having an orgasm during intercourse, throw that to the wind. Good sex is whatever good sex is to you. That may mean intercourse or maybe not. It may mean orgasming together or it may mean not orgasming at all. The point is, you don’t have to live up to anything, let alone some arcane definition of sex. It’s all up to you and your partner to decide how you play. Let’s just say it’s a heck of a lot easier to have an orgasm when you allow yourself to do the things that actually lead to orgasm.
It’s been said before. I’ll say it again. The biggest sex organ we have is our brains. If yours is keeping you from enjoying sex, then it’s time to reprogram it. Relax, it’s not rocket science. It’s pleasure. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take it seriously. It just means you shouldn’t fret.
So breathe and have a good time. This just might be the one time that the treatment is just as much fun as the cure.
Jenny Block is a freelance writer based in Dallas. She is the author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage." Her work appears in "One Big Happy Family," edited by Rebecca Walker and "It’s a Girl: Women Writers on Raising Daughters," edited by Andrea Buchanan.Visit her website at www.jennyonthepage.com or check out her blog at www.jennyonthepage.blogspot.com.


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